I told you I was trouble.

I usually try and keep it 'mum' on any problems I am having. Sure there are general bitch fests, and cry-a-thons, but if something is really honestly truly wrong, I just keep it bottled inside. Perhaps I'll talk to one or two people about it, but here's the thing about people: They're usually not very good at listening. Personal company included. They always want to draw parallels they think will help you (they don't), or give you advice they'd never take themselves, or they just talk over you about their problems. In my 26 years I've learned to take it in stride and realize that the only people I can usually talk to about my issues without having them bring up their own is my mother and my therapist. One I have to pay, and the other I have to pay back.



So things have been a little strained for me. I haven't been speaking to many of my friends because A. I don't really want to talk about any of this B. Chances are they'll just talk about themselves anyway and C. The more I fester about it, the more I'll actually have to buck up and do something. It's this big white elephant in the room, and I let it out of its cage. Perhaps prematurely but nevertheless it's done now and I should have been prepared to deal with the consequences. I don't think I'm ready for all of that yet.



You see, we all have issues. We all have things to deal with, accomodate for, get over. The thing is being able to put those issues aside for the greater good. At what point do you let your issues start running your life? Making choices for you? Speaking on your behalf? When do you say enough is enough and decide what you really want and go for it? When do you smother those schizophrenic evil little demons and say "Fuck you. You can't stop me"?



I guess, it goes to show you, that sometimes you can give your all, do whatever you can, and still end up with the short end of the stick... through no fault of your own. Kind of a take it or leave it sentiment, but then again I guess I'm just a take me or leave me kind of gal.