Oh, Rashida. What is it about you that attracts them? Your natural beauty? Ivy league education? Trust fund? Lineage? Why is it that out of the two men I would give my left tit to kiss on the cheek, you have dated both? Not merely dated, but you were ENGAGED to one of them. I understand you come from good stock, and have a level head on your shoulders. You're tall, thin, exotic looking, well spoken, and seemingly down to earth... but seriously. Back the fuck up before I have to cut a bitch.
John Krasinski I can deal with. Tall, WASPy, Red Sox fan. Take him. Get married and have pretty babies together. Sure, I'll shed a tear but I know that deep down inside I'm really only attracted to Jim Halpert, and John Krasinski will always leave me feeling a bit unfufilled. Unsatisfied if you will. I hope he yells out "PAM!" while you're in bed together.
Now, while at work surfing wikipedia (what else do you do at work?) I stumbled upon my future husband's page. He's a Ashkenazi Jew from North London. Raised in NYC. Grammy winning producer & all around white ass boy who has worked with members of Wu Tang. He also has a penchant for dressing like a Mod. How much more perfect can we be for each other? I'll be marrying a nice Jew from NY, which is sure to please dear old Mom. He will have someone who the tabloids don't care about, and will fully support him in any endeavor he so chooses (as long as I get to come along). Mark Ronson should be mine, Rashida, but instead is dating someone half his age with a fraction of his talent. As we both know, 19 year old models ain't got nothing on a real woman... or so I try to tell myself. Ce la vie?
These roadblocks I can overcome, Rashida. But how am I supposed to compete with all you have to throw on the table? You're older, more experienced, better educated, talented and gorgeous. I'm woman enough to admit that to the interweb. But do you HAVE to run thought my "Before I die" list this quickly?
At the very least, you should introduce me to your ex-boyfriends. I can take it from there.
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